Do you remember that phase
in your child's life when all you heard was
"I want to do it!"? You're
in a hurry, and you want to help your child
get dressed, but your two or three year old
will have no part of that. You
must wait for 15 minutes while she masters the
socks and shoes. Your helpful
child, at this age, wants to take out the trash,
put away the silverware, bake cookies, and clean
the bathroom. What on Earth
happens to this independent child?
Not all children, but many,
shift into a new phase. Picking
up their toys is a dreadful task.
Playing is so much more important than
doing homework. Getting them
to hang up their coat or make their bed is like
pulling their two front teeth. In
the teenage years, you get another glimpse of
independence, but it's not exactly in the areas
you might want. Teenagers
insist they have all their academics, social
relationships, and life in general, under control.
You may think differently, but who are
you? To a teenager, you're
just an old fashioned and unintelligent parent.
Regardless of what children
may want or think they need, parents have a
job to teach responsibility and independence.
It is a lifelong commitment that isn't
always so easy, but here are some tips to keep
you on track.
Encourage Independence by Refusing to Step
In
When your child reaches an
age to take on an age-appropriate activity,
show your child how to do it, then let go and
let your child struggle. It
can be hard to watch children fight with their
shoelaces, or stumble over their words in a
new friendship, but it is in these moments that
children are learning. The
joy they feel when they gain a little more independence
can be very rewarding, and a strong motivator
to try new tasks in the future.
Believe in Your Child
Children need to know you believe
in them. Encourage your children
with positive words such as, "You are a smart
girl. You can figure this
out." Teach your children
to think positively about themselves by modeling
this behavior in yourself. The
Little Blue Engine didn't give up and the reward
was confidence. Confidence
builds on itself, and your child will gain greater
self esteem when you encourage independence
and responsibility.
Build in Life Skills through Routines
Routines give your child practice
and repetition. If, for instance,
the after school routine includes putting away
the lunch box and coat, having a snack, and
doing homework, your child learns responsibility
as a way of life. If you
want your child to have good personal grooming
skills, build brushing hair and teeth, and washing
face into a morning and bedtime routine.
When a child does the same thing over
and over, he learns independence without even
thinking about it.
Let Children Fall Down and Experience the
Consequences
Resist the urge to be a helicopter
parent and hover over your child.
Life is full of opportunities to succeed
and make mistakes. The lesson
is reinforced and learning takes place when
children are allowed to make mistakes.
If your child makes a bad choice, let
him experience the natural or imposed consequences.
A "D" or an "F" on an exam sends a very
clear message that the child needs to study
harder. The effect is not
the same when you are hounding your child to
study so she doesn't fail. When
your child makes the choice to extend his curfew
by an hour, he loses the privilege of going
out the next weekend. Guaranteed
he will think twice before staying out late
the next time.
Coach your Children towards Independence and
Responsibility
When your child is faced with
a future or past decision, ask a lot of open
ended questions that encourage your child to
think for himself. "What
do you think you should say to your friend?"
"What could you have done differently
in this situation?" Giving
advice teaches your children what you want and
what you think is best. Coaching
your children supports them in developing good
decision making skills, and honoring what is
best for them. It's okay
if they don't make the best choice.
Live and learn.
The goal in raising children
is not to protect them from pain or undesirable
circumstances, but to equip them with what they
need to be responsible, independent and resilient
adults.
