Family and Parenting

"Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible--the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family."

--Virginia Satir

If you spend any time in the parenting section of the library or your local bookstore, you will find hundreds of books on disciplining and raising your children. All the leading experts have their own ideas about what works and what doesn't. As a parent, you have your philosophy that you bring to the table. Most of your thoughts come from what you learned as a child. You either liked the way your parents raised you, agreed with some of it and disagreed with the rest, or didn't like any part of your parents' ideas. Then you talk to or watch other mothers you know and these ideas get added to the mix. You take the best from all these sources and you set off to be the best mom you can be.

And then something happens that interrupts your plan for raising your children. Dad has a whole other set of ideas and plans for raising his children. Most of the time, dad's ideas have not come from the many books on parenting he reads or the oodles of fathers he brainstorms with. His ideas, too, come from the way in which he was raised as a boy, but sometimes Dad operates on auto pilot when raising and disciplining his kids. Even the best and most agreeable parents sometimes disagree. So what do you do when your two philosophies clash?

1. Talk it out when the children are not around. You're in the middle of dinner, and the children are refusing to eat. They are crabby and testing your every nerve. Dad can see that you are stressed so he decides to take matters into his own hands. He yells with his loud, booming voice, "Eat your food right now or you will go straight to bed." The kids start crying. You are even angrier now because you can't stand yelling. You feel it is an ineffective way to discipline the children, and you believe it scares them. Wait until the children go to bed and have a talk with your husband. Explain to him exactly how you feel about yelling. Listen to his side of the story and why he chose to do what he did. Do your very best to understand him and acknowledge his feelings. Then decide together what would work better for everyone in the future.

2. Decide how important an issue is to you. My friend's husband takes his little girl to swimming lessons every Saturday morning. After swimming, the little girl is starving. Dad's way of ending their fun time together in the pool is to let his daughter pick something to eat from the vending machine. My friend does not want her daughter associating fun time with Dad and junk food. She believes they should come home so her daughter can eat something healthy. Sometimes each parent needs to decide how important an issue really is to them. If Dad rates his need to buy his daughter a junk food treat after swimming at an 8, and Mom rates her need for her daughter to eat healthy at a 6, then Dad wins. You learn to give in on issues that aren't extremely important to you.

3. Understand that differences can be good. Believe it or not, children can benefit from differences in our parenting styles. As long as children are being loved and treated with respect and fairness, it can be good for children to learn to adapt to different childrearing approaches. No two people in this world are exactly alike. Some parents are very flexible and some are quite structured. Some parents are playful and others are more serious. There are quiet and mild-mannered parents and loud and boisterous parents as well. Step back and appreciate your differences. Children who are exposed to diversity have a tendency to be better rounded and adaptable.

4. Combine your viewpoints and get on the same page. The single most important thing you can do for your children and for your marriage is to get on the same page when raising and disciplining your children. Being on the same page does not mean you necessarily agree on everything. It means you support one another as parents. If Mom says there are no privileges until homework is done, the rules are the same with Dad. If Dad says curfew is at 11:30 PM, then Mom enforces this curfew. Take the time to work through your differences and put together a plan that both of you can be happy with. Decide what the house rules are going to be and how the children will be disciplined when the rules are broken. Then stick together and provide a united front for the benefit of your children.

Sit down with your husband this month and outline the parenting differences that are causing stress in your marriage. Make a commitment to revise your discipline and child rearing plan to include a new and negotiated plan that you both can agree on. If the rules of the house need to change, make sure the two of you sit down with your child(ren) and communicate these changes. Throughout the month, practice supporting each other as parents, and keeping the lines of communication open.

Q. What do you do if you are striving to think positively and your husband is negative and pessimistic?

A. Most often, underneath the negative and pessimistic attitude is fear. Encourage your husband to talk about his fear and acknowledge his feelings. Then understand that his fear and attitudes are all about him and not about you. Try to separate yourself - his attitude is not your responsibility. You can support him without taking ownership of his issues. Set healthy boundaries with his negativity so his moods don't affect yours.

What life issues are you struggling with? Ask Coach Lori.

If you want to make a special treat for your childrens' or husband's snack or lunch box, try making rice krispy kisses. Make a batch of rice krispy treats according to the normal recipe. Instead of pressing the mix into a pan, press the rice krispy mix into a funnel. Remove the rice krispy treat from the funnel and drizzle with chocolate if desired. Wrap the rice krispy treat with foil just like a Hershey kiss. Attach your favorite love note to the top. Make as many as you like.

For the months of March and April, I am running a contest to help promote this newsletter. Here are the rules:

For every two people you refer that become subscribers to this ezine, you will receive a "True to You" Things to Do pad of paper and a raffle ticket to win a FREE book of your choice ($25.00 limit).

In addition, the subscriber that refers the most new subscribers will win a million dollars (just kidding). Seriously, that person will win a $25.00 gift certificate to a local restaurant of their choice.

The contest runs from March 1, 2005 through April 30, 2005.

Please submit the names of the people you are referring and I will watch for them to subscribe to this newsletter.

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