Is
everything always what it seems? A
daughter blames her mother for staying in an
unhealthy marriage. A neighbor drinks
too much and is ruining his health. This
child is disrespectful because his mother doesn't
discipline him. As human beings, we
are quick to "judge" others and even ourselves.
Could it be that the mother in the "unhealthy
marriage" didn't view her marriage this way,
or was unable to see another alternative?
Is it possible that the "disrespectful child"
is angry and doesn't feel heard?
In
almost every relationship, the source of discontent
can be traced back to "judgment". Judgment
keeps us in the dark and separated from one
another. In our house, I call it the
"blame game". Disagreements can never
be resolved when the focus is on the other person,
and what they've done "wrong". There is
a big difference between "Who messed up my toys?"
and "I am unhappy because my toys are messed
up."
Judgment
causes defensiveness because an individual can't
help but feel they have failed to meet your
expectations. Often, we expect people
to behave in a certain way, according to what
makes us happy. But each person in our
lives is on a different path and comes from
different life experiences and circumstances.
No two people are alike, but that does not make
either party "wrong", just "different".
So
how can we make "the judge" in us sit down?
First,
we must realize that we aren't always going
to like everything about everybody in our lives.
Our job is not to change other people so we
can be happy, but figure out how we can be happy
despite our differences. Sometimes we
learn to tolerate minor differences, or set
boundaries when our limits are being compromised.
Second,
grace allows us to see in other people what
is also present or possible in us.
Our "judgments" can act as a mirror for us to
see ourselves more clearly. Whenever I
begin to judge another person, I ask myself
"When was the last time I acted like this?"
More times than not, I can truthfully say I,
too, am guilty of the very behavior I am judging.
Third,
learning to not take another person's actions
personally gives us the ability to stand back
from the situation and see things more clearly.
How another person acts has absolutely nothing
to do with you - it is completely about the
other person. When you take another person's
words or behaviors personally, you become emotionally
attached and charged, and your emotions will
cloud your judgment. Take the example
of my teenager speaking to me in an angry tone.
I can choose to believe that my teenager is
speaking disrespectfully to me, and I
am then automatically hooked. The reality
of the situation is that my teenager is angry
and is having a hard time expressing his anger
in a healthy way. It has nothing to do
with me. I am in a much better position
to hear my teenager's anger and help him channel
it differently when I am emotionally detached.
Last,
you will stop judging others when you stop
judging yourself. When we are critical
with ourselves, it naturally follows that we
will be critical of others. By learning
to love and accept those things about you that
you don't like, you learn to be more tolerant
of other people. You realize that we are
all imperfect human beings doing our best with
what we have. "The Judge" in us blocks
opportunities to see the best in ourselves and
others. When you can make "the judge"
sit down, you will have the ability to harmoniously
walk, side by side, in your relationships, and
grow in the process.
