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Articles for Moms is written by Lori Radun, , Certified Life Coach and founder of True To You Life Coaching
To learn more click HERE
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Spirituality - Forgiveness - Breaking the Cycle of Resentment
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| What's your
focus going to be for 2007? What are some of the changes you've
been wanting to make to give you greater satisfaction or to simply
continue your growth in life? Take a look at the lists below
and pick 1-3 goals for 2007. If you don't see anything that
fits, create your own.
Environment.
Declutter your house. Organize your papers. Organize all your
pictures. Set up household routines. Clean up your office. Clean
out your filing cabinets. Set up a chore system for the family.
Decorate the house or remodel.
Relationships. Nurture your marriage. Start dating. Find
some new friends. Spend more time with the friends you have. Forgive
someone. Make amends with someone. Address the sibling rivalry.
Play more with the children. Control your anger. Have more patience.
Teach your children more independence.
Yourself.
Eat healthier. Start an exercise program. Be more consistent with
your exercise routine. Stop the negative self-talk. Address unresolved
negative emotions. Stop feeling guilty. Get a physical and address
your health. Get more sleep. Eliminate bad habits or self-sabotaging
behaviors. Have more confidence.
Finances.
Save more money. Set up a budget. Get out of debt. Spend less.
Learn about investing. Track your spending. Write a will. Set
up a college fund. Change your attitudes around money. Make more
money. Ask for a raise. Start tithing or donating to your favorite
charity.
Social.
Have more fun. Volunteer in your community. Make a difference
in the lives of the needy. Cut back on extracurricular activities.
Get out of the house more often. Take up a new hobby. Participate
in one of your husband's hobbies. Join a social group. Get involved
at church. Be less involved at church.
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| Over 20 years
ago, my mother disowned me for a period of 10 years of my life.
It wasn’t something I could ever imagine doing to one of my children,
but it happened. It was one of the most painful times of my life.
I was angry at her. I got married and gave birth to my first child
and she wasn’t there. I missed her and longed for a mother-daughter
relationship. I cried a lot. Today my mother and I have a beautiful
relationship and I am so grateful for our reconciliation. As a
matter of fact, her birthday card to me this year said, “You are
the best daughter”. Did this relationship we have today happen
overnight? The answer is no. At the core of our relationship today
is forgiveness.
What is
forgiveness?
“Forgiveness
is something virtually all Americans aspire to – 94% surveyed
in a nationwide Gallup poll said it was important to forgive—in
the same survey; only 48% said they usually tried to forgive others.”
I don’t think
a single person can escape life without experiencing hurt by another
person. Maybe the hurt is angry words spoken during an argument
or a friend who surprises you with betrayal. Perhaps the pain
comes from emotional neglect, infidelity, divorce or even sexual
and physical abuse. Sometimes the hurt is a one time event. Other
times the pain continues for a long time.
Forgiveness
is a necessary step to healing from pain. It is a choice to extend
mercy to the person who hurt you. Sometimes forgiveness allows
you to move forward with the other person and experience a new
relationship. Other times, reconciliation is not possible. In
this case, forgiveness is more for you and your own personal growth.
Why forgive?
First and foremost,
God commands us to forgive. In Mark 11:25-26, it says “And when
you stand in praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive
him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.
But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in
heaven forgive your sins.”
You might be
saying, “But you don’t understand what’s been done to me.” And
you’re right; I don’t know all the hurts you’ve endured. However,
I know from experience that it pays to forgive. Forgiveness is
a sign of strength – not weakness. It is the strong who can put
aside the past and let go of anger and resentment. My mom comes
from a large family, with seven brothers and sisters. There has
been a lot of sibling rivalry, and I’m always amazed at the amount
of resentment that still remains in the family today.
Anger and resentment
drains your energy, and keeps you imprisoned by your past. By
choosing to let go of your hurt and anger, you give yourself the
freedom to fully experience joy in life. Anger builds inside us,
so by letting go, you improve your ability to control your anger.
We’ve all seen the person who blows up at the smallest incident.
It is the accumulation of built up anger that is unreleased that
causes this explosion. So many diseases, like heart disease and
cancer, can be triggered by unresolved resentment. By choosing
to forgive, you can dramatically improve your emotional and physical
health.
Without forgiveness,
you cannot move forward in your own personal and relational growth.
What forgiveness
is not?
Forgiveness
does not mean you allow people to treat you badly. It does not
mean you ignore the wrongdoings. It means you accept that the
person has made a mistake, and you are choosing to grant them
mercy. When you forgive someone, you won’t necessarily forget
the hurt. I will always remember the pain I felt when my mom disowned
me, but I do not dwell on it, and I do not let it interfere with
the quality of our relationship today. I have allowed myself to
heal and move on. Forgiveness does not mean you are condoning
or excusing the person’s behavior. And it doesn’t mean you have
to trust that person again. Some acts, like physical and sexual
abuse, require that you limit your trust or at least test the
trust with the person who hurt you. Remember, forgiveness is more
for you than the other person.
The process
of forgiving
So you’ve thought
about it and you’re ready to forgive. You’re tired of holding
on to old pain and you’ve decided it’s time to let go and move
on. What do you do? First, you must face and release the anger
that you feel. On the surface of the hurt is anger and you need
to break away that layer first. Underneath the anger is the pain
and hurt that you must grieve. There are many ways to release
anger and hurt. You can talk about it with trusted people. You
can spend time journaling. You can pray about it and ask God to
take away that pain and resentment. You can express your feelings
to the person who hurt you, provided that it’s possible to have
a healthy conversation where both you and the other person speak
and listen in respectful ways.
One of the
best and most cleansing ways to release your negative feelings
is to write a letter to your perpetrator. In this letter, you
pour out every emotion you feel. You tell them everything that
hurt you and everything they did to make you angry. Do not hold
anything back. Allow yourself to really feel the anger and cry
the tears by reading it out loud to yourself. When you are done,
burn or bury the letter as a symbol that you are ready to move
on. DO NOT give the letter to the person. This letter is for you
and you only.
After processing
all your emotions, you are ready to make the choice to forgive.
It is a choice that requires compassion, understanding and an
open and loving heart. When my mother and I first reconciled,
we talked about our feelings. Sometimes we even fought because
the pain was still fresh. But we listened to one another and we
tried to get inside each other’s shoes. It wasn’t easy, but today,
even though I don’t agree with some of my mother’s beliefs, I
have compassion and understanding for who she is and why she made
the choice she did. I love her regardless of our differences.
Each of us
makes mistakes in life. At one time or another (probably more
than one time), we will hurt another person. Maybe it will be
an accident, or perhaps it will be a purposeful reaction to someone
hurting you. When this does happen, do you want to be forgiven?
Do you want another chance to make amends? Most people don’t mean
to hurt us – they are dealing with their own pain and unresolved
resentment. It’s unfortunate that we take it out on our loved
ones, but until we break the cycle, it will continue to happen.
Are you
ready to break the cycle and do your part to forgive? |
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| Coach Lori
is a certified life coach, speaker and author for moms of all
ages. Through personal coaching, workshops, teleclasses, her newsletter,
and several personal development products, her mission is to help
moms focus on what's important to them, balance their many roles,
and still take care of themselves.
Are you
interested in creating greater satisfaction in your life? Call
today to set up a discovery session with Coach Lori.
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Wishes for a happy and healthy New Year!
 Lori Radun, CEC True to You Life Coaching, LLC
phone:
(630) 236-7142
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True to You Life Coaching™
Phone: (630) 236-7142 Email: lori@true2youlifecoaching.com |