Relationships

February 2005 - Growing and Connecting with your Spouse

Dear Reader,

February is the month for Cupid and those little candy hearts that speak to your Valentine (I love those candies!). This month's feature is about growing and connecting in your marriage or relationship with a significant other. What can you do to put your marriage at the center of your life? How might that benefit your children? Don't forget all the Valentines in your life this month - your #1 hubby, children, friends, family members, etc. - and have a heartfelt month.

On February 11th, I will be doing a one hour presentation titled "Life's Balance Beam - Secrets to Staying Balanced". This event will be held at Mother's First at Christ Community Church in St. Charles (Randall and Bolcum Roads) at 10:00 AM. Learn how to create a life that is balanced according to your own personal definition of "balance". Discover ways to achieve greater satisfaction in life by simply making better choices. For more information, please call me at (630) 236-7142.

Smell the Coffee and the Cookies too! is a newsletter designed to help you integrate and improve all facets of your life. Before we can be great moms, we have to be the very best we can be to ourselves. My goal with this newsletter is to support moms by sharing ideas based on my expertise and my 20 year long journey of personal growth. The success of this newsletter depends on you and what you want to hear, so please share with me topics you would like to see covered in future issues. My e-mail address is lori.radun@sbcglobal.net and my phone number is (630) 236-7142. I look forward to hearing from you.

If there is interest for 2005, I thought about adding an "Ask the Coach" section to this newsletter. Every month, I would feature one reader's question (or more if this is popular) with my response, of course. I would like to be able to share challenges and ideas to overcome them with other moms. After all, we are all on this journey together. So please forward any question or challenge you may be having as a mom to me. I will respond to all questions, and feature one or two next month.

If you know of others who may wish to receive this e-newsletter, please direct them to our website at www.true2youlifecoaching.com, where they can subscribe, or feel free to forward the e-newsletter to them.

Have a Very Happy Valentine's Day!

Lori

Quote of the Month:

"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes marriage last - more than passion or even sex."

--Simone Signoret

Growing and connecting with your spouse

Do you remember when there were no children in your life? Hanging out with your spouse was your first priority. You had fun going on dates. You had time to talk and share with each other your day’s events. And sex was something you looked forward to. And then along came Ryan or Megan, and then maybe Benjamin or Kaylee. Suddenly, life became centered on your children. Time for each other as a couple was rare.

If you and your spouse plan to be a happy couple after the children have left, you need to grow and connect with each other today. While there are no guarantees that you and your spouse will be one of those cute, old couples in "When Harry Met Sally," there are things you can do to increase your odds.

When I think of the marriage ceremony, the unity candle is an excellent symbol for what should happen in marriage. Two candles (two people) come together to light one big candle (one team). A healthy marriage has unity. Always think of your spouse as a teammate. Create a marriage with a shared vision and shared goals.

Your husband should be your best friend, and you should be his. Your marriage is a place for intimacy, and being intimate means sharing completely and honestly who you are – your feelings, likes and dislikes, your dreams, and what is important to you. Intimacy happens when both people can share anything and feel safe in doing so. You and your spouse will always be growing, so take the time to understand each other in every way – socially, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Intimacy is only achieved by spending time together regularly.

Safety in marriage comes from knowing you can trust your partner completely. Being trustworthy means you love and respect your spouse. You keep your commitments and strive to treat each other with compassion and understanding. Your spouse needs to know without a doubt that you are not going anywhere, even when the going gets tough.

Every marriage has conflict and every couple has differences. In my marriage, we fight over disciplining the children, among other things. If you are going to grow and connect with your spouse, you have to learn to work through your disagreements. Make every effort to understand each other. Understanding comes about when you can listen with your heart. It’s so much easier to brainstorm win-win solutions when there is a clear understanding of what is important to each partner.

Speaking of differences, the healthy couple accepts and embraces each other’s strengths and weaknesses. If you think about it, there is a positive and a negative to every quality. I have a lot of compassion, but sometimes I am too sensitive. My husband provides structure in our family, but sometimes he is too rigid. When one spouse has a perceived weakness, often times the other balances it with a strength. For instance, my flexibility and his structure often conflict. However, our family needs both. Encourage the development of your spouse's strengths and be patient with the weaknesses.

When you spend time getting to know each other and sharing yourself, you will naturally feel affectionate. Sexual intimacy is an important element in marriage. In order for women to desire sex, there needs to be healthy emotional intimacy. And men, unfortunately, achieve emotional closeness through physical intimacy. It is important for each partner to work to satisfy the other’s needs. Make the time to ignite the passion.

It is important for a couple to grow together, but it is also important for each person in the marriage to grow individually. It takes a lot of hard work and maintenance to make your marriage thrive, but it is well worth it. Your children need a model for a healthy marriage. And, when the children have left to start their own lives, won't it be nice to look at your spouse and say, “I want to spend the rest of my years with you, my friend?”

Take Action Assignment

In what area does your marriage need to grow?

Emotional Intimacy, Sexual Intimacy, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Commitment, Trust, Acceptance, Respect, Encouragement, Compassion, Having Fun Together, Unity (Being on the Same Team)

1. Pick 1 or 2 areas to focus on this month.

2. Make a list of things you and your husband can do to foster growth in this area(s).

3. Schedule time to do the things on your list.

Fun Corner

Plan a romantic evening for you and your husband this month! This evening is for just YOU and HIM...no children and no friends.

Use your creativity and create something very special. Make a pretty invitation to invite him to this special evening.

You can spend as little or as much money as you'd like. You can leave the house or not. Let your mind wander!

Resources

Fall In Love, Stay In Love, By Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., www.marriagebuilders.com

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., www.amazon.com

101 Nights of Grrreat Romance: How to Make Love with your Clothes On, By Laura Corn, www.amazon.com

Marriage Love Notes - Set of 25 Difference Messages for your Spouse, www.hearts-at-home.org

Find out more...

Life Coaching can...

Improve your Relationships, Encourage and Teach Self-Care, Help You Balance Your Life, Help You Achieve Your Goals, De-clutter Your Life, Minimize Your Stress, Maximize Your Time, and Support You Through Life Transitions.

If you would like to find out more about how coaching can change your life, please visit my website at www.true2youlifecoaching.com. Give yourself the gift of emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health!

Please call (630) 236-7142 to set up an appointment for your COMPLIMENTARY coaching session.

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