Resolve Your Arguments in a Healthy Way

Navigating our way through arguments can be very difficult. It's not unusual for couples to struggle with the conflicts that inevitably come up in any relationship. Some of us allow arguments to escalate to a point that causes irreversible hurt. Others sweep arguments under the rug, hoping it will go away, only to find years later, that much love has been lost. Dr. John Gottman, leading relationship expert, says successful couples learn to repair and end conflict in a healthy way. He offers six strategies for keeping arguments from going down a destructive path.

I Feel. Express what you are feeling during an argument using "I" statements. Telling your spouse what you feel allows him into your heart, and shows him how his words might be affecting you. Use statements like "I feel criticized" or "I'm feeling unappreciated".

Sorry. Being able to say sorry when you are hurting your partner can soften the argument. Sometimes our reactions can be inappropriate and we need to mend the conflict. Try saying things like "My reactions were too extreme. Sorry." or "I can see my part in all this."

Get to Yes. If we don't see eye to eye on things, it can be all too easy to go round and round and never reach agreement. One way to bring an argument to closure is to find a way to agree on some level. Look for ways in which you can compromise or find your common ground in the conflict.

I Need to Calm Down. Arguments have a funny way of bringing out the worst in us. Tempers flair and angry words are expressed. When you find the conflict beginning to escalate, try some tactics to calm down. Some statements that are helpful are "Can we take a break?", "This is important to me. Please listen.", or "I need things to be calmer right now."

Stop Action! Sometimes the best thing we can do in the middle of an argument that's going nowhere is to stop and take a breather. As long as you come back to the disagreement when both parties are calmed down, this is a perfectly acceptable way to deal with conflict. You've heard the famous words, "Let's agree to disagree here." Other things you can say are "Let's start all over again." or "I'm feeling flooded."

I Appreciate. Appreciation goes a long way towards helping your partner feel loved. It can also do wonders for resolving conflict in a healthy way. Acknowledge your partner's point of view. Tell him you understand what he's telling you. Find something about him to be thankful for in the moment. Express that gratitude.


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