Love and Family Rules - The Avenue to Raising Great Children

When I reflect on the role of a mother, two important objectives come to my mind. The first objective we have as moms is to maintain a loving, peaceful, organized and fun family environment. The second is to raise our children to be happy and responsible adults. Now these objectives may not be the most important for every mom, but I think most moms would agree these two goals are worthy of attention.

When you think about all the factors that can prevent us from achieving these two objectives, it can seem quite overwhelming. We live in a fast paced world and finding time for everything can be a challenge. The more family members we have, the more complicated family dynamics become. And I think the most difficult factor we face is the external pressures and the outside influences of the world. It is not easy raising children in this day and age.

The good news is you can raise great kids if you are equipped with the right tools and information. The root focus of raising happy and responsible children is developing their self esteem. And to develop their self esteem, children need three things: attention, autonomy, and limits. Children need to know they are worthy of love and they need to be taken care of. They need to gradually develop so they function independently from their parents. And children need boundaries so they learn proper behavior and develop healthy self esteem.

So how do you give your children these three important items? You play with them on a regular basis, show them lots of affection, and provide the structure they need to thrive. To give children structure, you must have a set of family rules for them to live by. Rules provide the boundaries for how you expect your children to behave. They teach the necessary skills and character traits needed to develop autonomy and healthy self esteem. Rules keep your children safe and secure and they provide order and peace for your family.

Kenneth Kaye, Ph.D., in his book Family Rules, provides a six step process for setting family rules:

1. Make a list of behavior problems or important concerns you are dealing with in your family.
2. For these problems or concerns, together as parents, create and write down the rules that will enforce the behavior that you want to see. Start with just a few rules in the beginning.
3. For each rule, think of and write down a logical or natural consequence for breaking the rule.
4. Formally present the rules to your children.
5. Follow through with consequences if they test the rules.
6. Amend the rules as necessary and amend or escalate the consequences as necessary.

One of the most interesting discoveries I made in Dr. Kaye's book was the difference between rules and preferences. Let me give you a few examples of each and then I will explain the difference. Examples of rules may be "You may not hit, kick or call your sibling names" or "You must be home at the time we set for you". Examples of preferences are "We prefer you use your manners" and "We prefer you spend your money wisely".

Here are the major differences between rules and preferences. Mom and Dad have to agree on the rules, but they do not have to agree on preferences. Mom may have one idea about how she wants her children to manage money, but Dad may have a completely different view. However, when it comes to setting a time to be home, if 9:00 PM is the decided time, both Mom and Dad must be prepared to enforce this time.

Rules require consistency and must be clear and specific. Preferences can be vague and do not require consistency. If a rule is broken, a consequence is issued every time. With preferences, you prefer your child do something a certain way, but it's left up to your child's discretion. There is no consequence if your child does not do things the way you would prefer. When my four year old has a playmate over, I prefer he says hello and goodbye to them. I encourage him to use his manners and I explain why I think it's important, but there is no consequence if he doesn't. On the other hand, if he hits or pushes his playmate, there would be an automatic time out. Generally speaking, rules provide structure, peace, safety and convenience, whereas, preferences teach children moral education, social skills and positive feelings about themselves and others.

Now that you understand how best to set family rules, I would suggest you post your family rules so everyone can see them. Remember, enforcing the rules requires issuing a consequence every time the rule is broken. The best consequences are ones that restrict privileges. The more natural and logical the consequence, the better it is. Children should lose freedom when they act irresponsibly and gain freedom when they demonstrate responsibility. One thing I have found that helps take the emotion out of issuing consequences is the Better Behavior Wheel. This is a great tool for teaching kids about the consequences for their actions.

Rules often have a negative connotation for some parents. They sometimes bring up their own personal resistance to being restricted. Rules are actually necessary and positive devices for instilling order and peace in your family. An adult with healthy self esteem feels good about herself, treats others with respect, is happy, and lives with healthy boundaries. As a child, this adult was given loving attention, autonomy and limits. Rules are the avenue to teaching autonomy and limits. Give your children lots of love and attention, teach them responsibility and provide structure by setting limits, and you will be successful at raising your children to be happy and mature adults.


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