A week ago, my
good friend and personal life coach, visited me
from out of town. It was an
exciting time for us because we have been coaching
each other for over two years, but we had never
met face to face. We enjoyed
a wonderful time together at the Hearts at Home
mom's conference, and even had time to spend an
evening at home with my family. Once
Debbie was settled back at home, we had a conversation
about her experience with my family.
She made a comment about my teenager that
took me by surprise.
Debbie said, "Kai is very perceptive.
He is listening to everything that is going
on." I thought about the time
she interacted with Kai and remembered that the
majority of the time, Kai was in a different room
on the computer. The rest of
us were in the family room talking and watching
our wedding video. I know that
Debbie is highly intuitive so I certainly did
not discount her perception. It
got me thinking about how closely are children
are watching and listening to us.
So listen up and stay alert.
It's not always the words we say to our
children that communicate our most powerful messages.
Our
most basic form of communicating with our children
is in the words we say to them.
"Suzi, please turn off the TV and do your
homework now." "Hey, great
job on your spelling test!" "How's
your friend Tommy doing?" What
we say to our children is important, and no doubt
necessary, if we are going to have a relationship
with them. Sometimes we say
just the right words like "I love you", but others
times we don't. Out of anger
or frustration, we make hurtful comments that
stick like glue to our children. Out
of haste and business, we fall into a pattern
of not communicating enough positive words.
Our focus becomes about issuing commands
or reprimands. We lecture with
too many words and our children turn us off.
For one week, try to notice all the great
behaviors your children are displaying, and use
your words to praise them.
How we say our words communicates much
to our children. The same words
said in a playful and loving tone can mean something
very different when said in an angry or irritated
tone. Sometimes
when I am talking to my teenager, I am trying
to communicate helpful words. But
when my undertone is laced with fear or
frustration, he does not feel encouraged.
As a matter of fact, he feels criticized.
This is why it is important to realize when
we say our words is critical to our communication
with our children. Timing is
everything. Communicating when
you do not have control of your emotions is an
example of poor timing. Hold
your tongue, count to 10, and wait until you are
calm. Sometimes as parents,
we are calm, but our children are not.
Maybe they've had a bad day or they are
in the middle of a frustrating moment.
Ask yourself whether this is the best time
to say what you want to say. Sometimes
waiting until the storm blows over can make a
world of difference in how are words are received.
Have you ever been on the phone with a friend
sharing something about your day?
You forget that Joey is in the next room
listening to every word you say. In
the next moment, Joey chimes into the conversation,
asking for clarification on what or who you're
talking about. Now, you can
use this form of communication as a positive reinforcement
for your child. When talking
to Grandma, tell her what a great job Maggie is
doing with potty training. Believe
me, Maggie will hear you. However,
if you don't want your children to receive your
words, be careful when you are talking to other
people and your children are within earshot.
The
things we don't say are powerful communicators
to our children. Sometimes
we don't say enough positive and encouraging words
to our children. What is this
telling our children? Other
times we don't communicate something important
to our children, like letting a judgmental comment
they make pass us by. What
are we teaching our children in this moment?
The things we don't say can work in a positive
way as well. If our children
make a mistake, and you see the effects if has
on them, sometimes saying nothing at all is the
best way to handle things. By
choosing not to lecture them, you allow your children
to feel and suffer the natural consequences that
come from making this mistake. Often
times, we want to rescue our children and save
them from feeling pain, but this does not teach
them valuable lessons they sometimes need to learn.
The
actions we take and the choices we make
say a lot to our children. Whether
it's a sigh, a roll of the eyes, or a lie we tell
a stranger on the phone, our children are watching
and listening. You know the
saying, "Actions speak louder than words".
I was born and raised in Missouri - the
Show Me State. Words mean nothing
if they are not backed by actions.
Show your children how you want them to
behave. Show your children
that you love them. Show your
children what you want them to value in life.
By being their role model, you are communicating
your expectations to them.
The
other night my five year old was lying down in
bed with me. He knows my routine
by my actions. He asked me
how much longer I was going to read.
I told him I was finishing up the last
two pages of a chapter and then I was going to
turn off the light. He said
to me, "Okay, I am going to fall asleep after
you say your prayers". In a
very subtle, but powerful way, I have communicated
to my child that God and prayer are important.
What do you want to communicate to your children?
Think about what you say, how you say
it, when you communicate, the words you don't
say, and your behaviors. These
are all ways you can send heartfelt and encouraging
messages to your children.
